The Language we use in Prayer

In preparation for this day of recollection, my host gave me such a broad topic to consider that I finally can see it as a gift. As I consider the methodology of our conversation, it illustrates the way we often approach our prayer. We can go into prayer not knowing what to ask for and we get frustrated. If we aren't clear going in, we are going to walk away from it unclear as well. There is that old saying in computer programming, garbage in, garbage out. Or it is like a shopping expedition. When we aimlessly window shop, we typically walk away either not buying anything or we ended up with something we really don't want. Or it is like going grocery shopping. If you go into a market hungry and you don't have a list, you will buy much more than you need, and maybe forget one or two of the items that you went into the store to buy in the first place. If you have a list, you are more efficient, you buy what you have laid out, and you don't forget anything. So as we approach prayer, we may want to learn how to prepare ourselves better. A little discipline can help a lot.

Sometimes we don't know what to pray for because we don't know what we want. Many times people feel as if their choices are made by other people. When do I really choose what I want for myself anyways? How can we as a parish pray for some common guidance when we may not be praying for the same thing? Many of us are undisciplined in our prayer and that makes it challenging to get to a union of minds and hearts.

Each of us has areas of uncertainty in our lives. We don't know which direction our lives shall take. We have to learn how to pray individually first and then communally if we are to achieve any satisfaction in prayer.

What I intend to do in my talk is to provide a number of reflections on prayer. It may seem loose, but it is based on my experience of listening to the prayer lives of others. They are a collection of sayings, tidbits, about the ways we converse and relate to others, and therefore to God.

1. First and foremost, the way we relate to others is the way we relate to God. We don't change who we are when we talk with God. How well do I communicate with others? Are we aware of the patterns we bring into our communication efforts? I think of a Jesuit scholastic who when asked for clarification on what he is saying will raise his voice and repeat verbatim what he just said. In his mind, his forceful reiteration clarifies the issue. He thinks that the person asking the question is not really paying attention to what he is saying so the person will listen better if he speaks more loudly and authoritatively. The poor person dealing with him does not receive any additional insight. This Jesuit scholastic gets frustrated he has to repeat his words and he looks down upon the person who asks for clarification. What was communicated here? Disdain. Was it what either intended? No. The result is the content remains unclear. The overriding message is his disdain for the other person. Not a good result.

We've all had experiences of another person speaking over us, cutting us off, being brusque or dismissive, or having an angry or impatient tone of voice. Often these are learned patterns in a person. Too often we do not let another person know of his or her behavior and its effect upon us. The result is the person never grows in comprehension. We are left with this conclusion: if this is the way a person speaks with others, he speaks to God in like ways. The person is the same and his character doesn't change radically in each setting. In the case of the scholastic, does he impose his will upon God and shut God down the way he does with other people? It is not a stretch to think he does. He wonders why God does not listen to him.

2. Analyze those areas where you are frustrated with the results. It is good for us is to examine our language in problematic relationships to identify the ways we stop receiving or transmitting helpful information. We have to be careful not to play with the situations or joke around too much because it simply does not get to the heart of the communication. For instance, when I was preparing for this retreat, I kept asking my host what she thought the Parish Council wanted for retreat. When she gave me the broad topics of prayer and grace, I jokingly thanked her for giving me such narrow, specified direction.

While the joking was light-hearted, and I still languished that I was not given any direction. I desperately needed data so I could turn my inexact and imprecise guesswork into information. I simply could have helped myself and my host by telling her that she is not giving me I need and ask her to kindly do so immediately. Instead, we played email tag for too long and I spent much energy and psychic time trying to imagine what you might want. If I am to enter into my prayer without any type of direction, do you think I will leave prayer with any clarity? I doubt it. I have to ask God for what I need and to do so in specific language. I know God generously gives what we ask. If we are not getting what we want, perhaps we are not clear about what we are asking. Maybe it is not God's fault after all.

3. Assume we don't know what someone else is thinking. Think also about the ways in which we presume a lot about what another person is saying. Most times, we do not answer the question that is asked us and we offer an answer to an unrelated question. I find this bewildering and presumptive.

For instance, a few months ago I asked a woman in the church narthex if there was a trashcan nearby. She told me all about the recycling schedule for the church. I said "thank you for in the information, but can you tell me if there is a trash bin nearby?" She told me which items go into the proper recycling bin. She beamed with joy for helping me out. I said, "I want to throw away my trash. Is there a place I can put it?" And I handed my trash to her. She looked at the stuff in her hands bewildered and told me the recyclers come on Tuesday.

We sometimes answer questions that people begin to ask without letting them fully describe what they are asking. We assume we know what the person is asking and we begin to respond prematurely. This creates all sorts of confusion. We transfer this type of behavior to our prayer. We think we know what God is going to say so we don't let God say it. We shut God out. I have had many experience when I person has told me that she knows what God is going to say so she doesn't bother to ask. Give God the freedom to respond.

4. Notice the ways I shut down conversation. How do I say "no" without realizing it? We have many ways of doing it. Avoid the words "no," "not," "but," and words like "won't". We are not conscious of the ways these negatives are buried into our patterns of speech. These words stop any form communication dead in its track. It can raise dreaded authority issues too. We can simply omit most of those words and find our language improves. For instance, instead of using these connecting words, use full stops instead, or use the word "and." The word "and" builds upon the previous phrase and forms a building block.

Think of how many times you have been shut down when someone says, "I hear what you are saying, but..." This is one of the most insensitive phrases to use. It conveys the person disregard for you and that he is unable to hear what you are saying. Rather, simply say. Thank you. I disagree with your conclusion. "Agreeing to disagree" has the same negative effect. The person who says that is controlling the conversation and no longer wants to talk about it. Simply say, "I disagree with your thoughts." Conflict and tension in conversation is good. This is where we get somewhere. People who want to build coalitions will find common ground to move forward.

We tell God "no" all the time in our prayer when we are unprepared to truly comprehend what God asks of us. We hold onto our attachments and feelings longer than God wants and we negate God's true intentions for us. Many of us have the experience of keeping God at bay because we are not ready to accept what God has to say. We serve ourselves best when we wonder, "How do I prohibit my openness? Do I give the other permission to speak openly?" "Am I acting in freedom?"

5. Ask for a grace. Ignatius of Loyola always has a person ask for a grace when she begins prayer. This outlines the direction of our prayer. We ask the Lord to give us this grace in the prayer experience. We feel satisfaction when we receive what we ask for, so let's refine what we ask. For instance, if I ask to feel God's presence and I receive it, I am to be thankful that God gave me what I wanted. If I am upset because God did not tell me the direction to which I am to move, well it is because you did not ask for it. You asked to feel God's presence, not clarification on the direction you are to take. Get straight what you want.

6. To whom am I speaking? Whom do I address in prayer? Speak to that person. We sometimes begin our prayer addressing God the Creator and speak to God as if we are speaking to Jesus Christ. Keep it distinct in your mind. We know God is mysterious and that we speak to all when we speak to one, but it helps us focus on the person of God to whom we are relating. The image we are addressing is important as we are drawn better to certain images over others.

Knowing which image of God you relate to best is crucial. Typically, if a person has a poor image of God, the person has a poor self image.

7. Focus on that person When we are in prayer, it is helpful if we focus upon God as Creator, Son, or Spirit. If I am speaking with Christ, then my focus is to be on him. Notice what he is saying. What tone of voice is he using? What does his facial expression reveal? Maybe he has a certain body language? Which words does he choose? What do you think he is feeling? Ask him about his emotions or ask him what God, the Creator, is feeling. Ask Christ what he wants or needs? And then let him tell you.

True contemplation results when we look at the person and feel what the other person is feeling. The stuff of today will rush forward because Christ wants to look at this with us. Our attention is focused on Christ and his perspective. Look into his eyes. Our eyes are always upon him, instead of ourselves, but our content is brought forward. Christ's insight will help us heal and progress. When our focus is on him and not on our tribulations, we are able to stand fearless.

Here's the rub. We don't know how to do that well. When we are in conversation with others, we are mostly concerned with what we have to say to the other person. We want to speak. We want to know that we are heard. We want that deep intimate connection of another person caring enough about us to respect our situation. If we focus only upon ourselves in human conversation, we are also going to do it in our prayer. Learn to contemplate the Lord in a way in which we are curious about what he is thinking and feeling. What are his attitudes? What is in his heart? We will never know until we ask.

8. Elements of Conversation. What is the purpose of conversation? What are my purpose and goals? What point am I trying to get across to someone else? What subjects do I omit from prayer or conversation? Why is that? Ignatius of Loyola says conversation is the heart of prayer. To converse means that we are turning affectively towards the other person. My heart becomes moved to the other person. This is the mission of a Jesuit for Ignatius. We learn the mind, soul, emotions, and heart of another when we do the hard work of learning how to turn towards the other.

Let's look at the structure of a healthy conversation where honor and dignity are upheld.

A. We let the other person speak. Let the person say everything that he needs to say. He will give a cue when he is finished. He will pause or come to a place of silence. During this time, we actively listen, perhaps asking a clarifying question or two.

B. When he has finished, we paraphrase what we think we have heard. We ask if we got it right.

C. This will give the person a chance to acknowledge that (a.) he has been heard, and (b.) we interpreted correctly. If not, he will have a chance to explain himself more fully and we repeat our listening and paraphrasing skills until he is satisfied. This allows the person to feel that you comprehend in feelings what he is saying. This is solidarity. Speak when the other gives you permission to speak. We want to focus upon the feelings more than we want to concentrate on content. Being heard is a huge breakthrough for many. It is quite a gift.

D. Ask for the same ground rules from him. It is now your chance to be listened to and heard. This pattern that respects the integrity of each person will yield beneficial results.

We will get somewhere when we use this form of communicating when we have tension and conflict, but it is good practice in normal daily conversations. It is a good practice for our prayer because we get to test and confirm what we think we are hearing from God. Prayer is never a one shot deal. We let God respond and we get to say what we think God is saying. God will let us know if God wants us to nuance it differently. Prayer is continued conversation, checking in, verifying, and responding in healthy ways.

9. Establish the ground rules. People will push boundaries in conversation whenever they can. Notice how politicians act in debates even when there is a moderator. Safeguard your boundaries by telling the other person how their behavior makes you feel. You can ask a person to change his behavior that disturbs you while retaining his dignity as a human being. It is a win-win situation. You communicate your honest feelings. A healthy person will not turn away from real human emotions. You communicate your essential feelings. We are what we feel. Let no one make you feel anything other than who you are.

Set timeframes. Say how long you intend to be in prayer and stick with it. That is courteous. If you tell God you will be in prayer for ten minutes and you leave after seven minutes, might you have cut God off? Be polite and courteous. You do not like it when a person walks away from you when you are speaking. You are not engaging in a conversation when you do all the talking and then unilaterally decide it is over and walk away. If you don't like it done to you, refrain from doing it to others, especially to God.

Not every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. Tell God something humorous that happened in your day. Laugh with God. Spend idle chatter with God. Treat God as you would treat a good friend.

10. My nonverbals. What tone of voice do I use? Are you rushing? Slow down. Are you taking a breath every once in a while or are you rambling in a stream of consciousness way? Do you allow the other to respond? Are you giving God a chance to speak? What does your body language say about your emotions? Is your body receptive to listening?

Summary

The point to all of this is that we have to see our prayer life as one of relationship with God and in relationships we have to learn to communicate in a mutually compatible way that keeps evolving as we evolve. Parents talk to their kids differently at age 5 than they do at age 15, 35, or 55. We have to keep learning new boundaries in a maturing relationship. Our prayer has to keep evolving as we learn more about God and ourselves - and what we desire.