Six Practices of Loving Speech

Six Statements of Loving Speech.

When we have the impression that we are alone and without support, remember it is only a perception and it is not accurate. These six statements embody loving speech and let others know you see them, understand them, and care for them. Breathe in and out before you say the statement to yourself before you speak to the person in front of you. Our practice of deep listening is called upon: “Now is the time to listen only.”

Statement One: “I am here for you.”

This is the best gift you can give someone because your presence is important to the person. Jesuits say, “We are people with and for others.” To love someone means to be there for the person. Showing up is an art and a practice. Love is based on understanding, and your mind has to be in the “here and now” before you can love. You cannot love properly and deeply without being mindful of the other.

Statement Two: “I know you are there, and I am very happy.”

When you are truly in the “here and now,” you are in a position to recognize the other person. You are letting your loved one know that his or her presence is important to you. You really see the other person. To love means to be aware of the presence of your beloved one and to recognize that presence is something very precious to you. The statement reaffirms the presence of the other person as important to you. (The opposite is when someone ignores you. You don’t feel loved. If the person doesn’t pay attention to you or look at you, you don’t feel loved.)

Statement Three: “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”

This statement is used when a person is suffering, and it helps them suffer less immediately. You recognize that something is not going well with your friend or loved one, and your impulse is to do something to fix it. The trick is: you don’t need to do much. You just need to be there.

When you suffer and a loved one ignores your suffering, you suffer much more. If the person is aware of your suffering and offers presence in difficult moments, you suffer less right away.

Statement Four: “I suffer. Please help.”

Use this fourth statement when you suffer, and you believe the other person caused your suffering. When someone you love says something that feels critical or dismissive, you suffer deeply. If we don’t look deeply into our suffering and find compassion for ourselves and the other person, we want to punish the other person who hurt us. When we suffer, we think it is the other person’s fault for not appreciating us enough. Our actions are trying to say to the other person, “I don’t need you.”

When we suffer, we should tell others that we suffer and we need their help, but we do the opposite. It means we have to get over our pride.

If you don’t say the words, “I suffer. Please help,” you may sulk. We pretend not to suffer, and we deny the one who causes our suffering. We do not tell the truth because we don’t want them to know we suffer, but we are indeed suffering.

A longer version of the statement is, “I suffer. I want you to know about it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.” This is true love.

To break it down further, this statement has three parts:

1.     I suffer and I want you to know.

2.     I’m doing my best. (This might mean that I won’t say anything to damage myself or you. I’m looking into my suffering to examine its roots and I believe you have caused my suffering, but I know I should not be too sure about that. I’m looking to see if my suffering comes from a wrong perception on my part. Maybe you didn’t mean to say it or do it. I’m doing my best to look at my anger and to embrace it tenderly.)

(This second sentence invites the other person to practice looking deeply. Either person can apologize for being unskillful in communicating. It recognizes the other person is human and is doing his or her best and that we are doing our best as well.)

3.     Please help. We can’t figure it out on our own. We need each other.

Statement Five: This is a Happy Moment.

If we are with someone we care about, this statement brings about happiness. We are lucky, and conditions of happiness are around us. We have each other. It is possible to be happy here and now.

Statement Six: You are partly right.

We can use this statement when someone praises or criticizes us. I have weaknesses; I have strengths. If you praise me, I should not get puffed up; if you criticize me, I should not get lost in it.

When you see beautiful things in another person, you overlook those things that are not beautiful. Love makes the other person more perfect. You don’t want to become a victim of prideful illusion because you know you are not perfect. You preserve your humility.

If someone criticizes you, you tell them they are only partly right. I have positive things in me as well. Without judgment, you can investigate so you can improve.

The sixth statement preserves the truth. You don’t lie. You don’t fall into false humility. We accept others when we accept ourselves. Acceptance of reality doesn’t stop you from trying to improve. We accept the failings and success of others. When we don’t judge ourselves, we accept. When we don’t judge others, we accept.

Bringing Compassionate Communications to your Relationships

These statements improve relationships. They help people feel welcome with you and with themselves. Once the person finds a home within you, you can help the other person. You inspire confidence that you honor and respect the other person.