Our
Christian traditions give us un-clarified information about how and when we are
to forgive. Notice what we are instructed to do in the Catholic confessional or,
in contemporary terms, the reconciliation room. We are to confess our
sins and our sins of omission. The focus is upon how we have failed to do the
right thing. Peter, however, asks a very different question and it is
enlightening for the shift it brings. He asks, "If my brother sins against
me, how often must I forgive him?" We are to look at the unjust action
that was done to us rather than our wrongness or badness. We first have to deal
with the wrong done to us first. Before we can ever get to forgiveness, it is
best if we look at healing. What about reconciliation? This is an altogether
different concept and that comes further down the road.
Christ
has to reconcile us to ourselves before we can forgive another. When someone
has wronged us, the last thing we want to do is say, “I forgive you.” The first
thing we want to say is, “Stop it. Don’t do that. I’m angry with you. You have
no right to treat me like that. I don’t deserve to have you transgress my
boundaries.” How many of us actually say this? If we did this more often and
immediately, we would stop many people from treating us as we don’t deserve. We
would help the person to see the healthy proper ways to respect boundaries.
Instead,
we want to be kind. We are told to be a good boy or good girl and not to get
mad. We want to keep the peace and avoid conflict. Damn it! Conflict is good if
it is done respectfully. It is because of conflict that we grow and we begin to
hold another’s desires with greater respect. We have to work to achieve a
mutually beneficial result. It is only when people in conflict are able to
express their desires and needs in a way that we can be heard that we get
enough information to make an informed decision or a loving choice.
We
arrive at a problem though. We don’t respect our emotions and desires. When not
dealt with in good health, we stew with emotions afterwards. It tears us up and
it sets us off into an emotional whirlwind. Why? Our emotions need an
appropriate outlet. If we don’t deal with our emotions forthrightly and
immediately, we deal with them afterwards – often alone, silently, sometimes in
a tormenting way – and they come out of us sideways. They come out in ways that
we do not intend, and these ways are not healthy for us or for the other
person. How many times has a person been labeled by his or her emotions? “He’s
an angry man; She’s a witch; He’s a sarcastic, cynical man; Don’t trust her.
She is a gossip.” We are identified with our feelings. Wouldn’t you rather hear
about yourself? “He’s a kind man. I’d like to know him” or “She is always so
happy. I wish I knew her secret?” or "You have a beautiful smile."
Jesus
Christ wants you to let him into your feelings and desires. He wants to be able
to say to you, “I want to help you. Will you tell me what is going on with you?
Please? I don’t want you to do this alone? Please?” How do we respond? We say, “He
knows what I’m going through. I’ve told him hundreds of times before.” Well. Have
you really allowed a conversation with him to develop? We recycle things in our
mind and we feel the veracity of our emotions, but sitting down and telling him
about the swirling turbulence in our lives so that he can hear it and respond
to it is a different matter. We think things like, "I feel alone. No one can
know what I am going through; I don’t believe he really has something personal to
say to me; I've been over this with him before; Jesus is God and all, a really nice
man, but he really doesn’t care about what is happening to me. If he did, he
would have done something long ago; Yes, Jesus is God, but he doesn't have time
to bother with my small insignificant problems." We simply don’t believe
that what he thinks really matters. If we did, we might give him a chance to
speak, or better yet, a chance to show us compassion and care and concern.
We
experience a moment of healing when we physically feel his hand placed on our
heart, or he takes our hand into his, or he births something new is us, or we
lean back and fall asleep to realize we were in his arms, or he simply smiles
and looks at us tenderly, or he strokes our cheek with the brush of his hand.
At this we realize he was always there, and we know that he heard us, and that
seems to be enough. He might not have to speak; his actions speak what words
can't communicate. This is the point we know he is healing us and reconciling
us to ourselves. Being loved first means that we can love another. Being healed
first means we can reach out to our brother and sister who sinned against us
and forgive them for their actions. Only the deeper love, the deeper affection
of Christ, can redeem us.
Peter
asks, “How often must I forgive?” Seventy-seven times is the answer. It means
that we have to learn to love ourselves seventy-seven times a day. If
forgiveness is a daily choice, and the first step of forgiveness is loving
ourselves, then we have to first love ourselves seventy-seven times a day.
Respect your boundaries. Fight for them. Own your feelings and desires. Speak
about them as often as you can. Let your heart have ascendancy over your head. Tell
them to Christ several times a day and discover where and when he is present to
you.
Let
others do their own work and speak of their desires. You are only responsible
for your own feelings. You will find Christ affirming you and giving you
strength – through courage and energy. You will begin to live again in the way
God intended from the very beginning. Your desires are good. They are very
good. As your honor and respect them, Christ will honor and respect you. Your
brother and sister will honor and respect you as well. When you demand they respect
your boundaries, fewer and fewer people – maybe only unhealthy ones – will
transgress them. You will find liberation in claiming who you are and you will
act out of love that begets deeper love.
Forgiveness
is a lengthy patient process in which God's glory will be revealed as you live
with integrity and validation. This is to what Christ calls you. Isn’t it what
we want? Step forth on the marvelous journey of healing, love, and forgiveness.
In fact, let us run to the heart God who loves us more than we can ever imagine
- to a place where nothingness, resignation, and despair are over and done
with. Let us enter the brand new world made brighter by Christ's liberation of
your unredeemed messiness. Let us share in Christ’s victory over chaos.
Lots of wisdom here, John. Thank you!
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