Acting shameless embodies several behaviors that serve to alter the feeling of shame and to interpersonally transfer one's toxic shame to another. (Please note that these characteristics are only being described in a situation when a person is affected by toxic shame.):
Perfectionism: This flows from the boundariless core of toxic shame as it has no sense of limits. One never knows how much is good enough. This person was taught that he or she is valued for only doing. When parental acceptance and love is dependent upon performance - perfectionism is created. The performance is always related to what is outside self. The child is taught to strive onward. Never is there a place for rest or for inner joy and satisfaction.
Striving for Power and Control: Power is a form of control and control is a grandiose disorder of the will. Control insures that no one can ever shame us again. It involves controlling our thoughts, expressions, feelings and actions and it is involved in controlling other people's thoughts, feeling and actions. Control is the ultmate villian in destroying intimacy. We cannot share freely unless we are unequal.
Rage: Rage is a defense. It keeps others away or it transfers the blame to others. This person becomes bitter and sarcastic.
Arrogance: Arrogance offensively exaggerates one's importance. The victim of arrogance believes he or she is inadequate because of the lack of knowledge, experience or power.
Criticism and Blame: If I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling but blaming and criticizing someone else. A parent telling a child that he or she never thinks of anyone else allows the child to interpret his or her self-worth as being bad.
Judgmentalism and Moralizing: These are off-shoots of perfectionism that seek a victory over the spiritual competition. Condemning another as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous.
Contempt: One becomes intensely conscious of another person who is experienced as disgusting. In contempt, the self of the other ins completely rejected.
Patronizing: To patronize is to support, protect or champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but has not asked you for your support. This is a subtle transfer of shame that usually hides contempt and passive aggressive anger.
Caretaking and Helping: Helpers are always helping themselves. A person who feels flawed and defective feels powerless and helpless. This person feels better about his or herself by taking care of others. Caretaking is an activity that often distracts one from one's feeling of inadequacy.
People-pleasing and Being Nice: The goal of a nice person is one's own image and not the other person. Being nice can manipulate people and situations by avoiding any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, this person insures that noone will see him or herself as one truly is.
Envy: Envy is the discomfort at the excellence or good fortune of another. Envy can bring about the other's belittlement and may assert itself in self-assertiveness, admiration or greed.
John Bradshaw
No comments:
Post a Comment