The possibility of toxic shame begins with our source relationships. If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself.
It is multigenerational - passed onto one generation to the next. Shame-based people find others like them and get married. As a couple each carries the shame from his or her own family system. Their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major result of this is a lack of intimacy. It is difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain non-intimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. It creates pseudo-intimacy.
When a child is bor into these shame-based parents, the deck is stacked from the beginning. The job of parents is to model. Modeling includes how to be a man or woman; how to relate intimately to another person; how to acknowledge and express emotions; how to fight fairly; how to have physical, emotional, and intellectual boundaries; how to communicate; how to cope and survive life's unending problems; how to be self-disciplined; how to love oneself and another. Shame-based parents cannot do any of these. They simply do not know how.
John Bradshaw
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