Each family system has several categories of rules. Shaming rules consciously shame the other members. Children receive the major brunt of the shame. Power is a cover-up for shame.
1. Control - The major defense strategy that controls all interactions, feelings, and personal behavior at all times.
2. Perfectionism - Always being right in all you do. The perfectionist imposes a measurement by which no one ever measures up. Fear and avoidance of the negative is the organizing principle of life.
3. Blame - Blame when things do not work out as planned. It maintains balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.
4. Denial of Freedoms - It tells you that you should no perceive, think, feel, desire or imagine in that way you do.
5. No-Talk Rule - It prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. Family members hide their true feelings, needs or wants.
6. No Mistakes - Mistakes reveal the flawed vulnerable self. To acknowledge one's mistake is to open oneself to scrutiny. Cover up your own mistakes and if someone else makes a mistake, shame her.
7. Unreliability - Never trust anyone and you can't be disappointed.
John Bradshaw - Healing the Shame that Binds You
Thanks for this post John. I was just reading Robert Bly's IRON JOHN, particularly with regards to shame, Bly was arguing that children are often shamed by their parents' since the adult's mood is often imposed on the child's. The child's mood is overtaken by the parents', and he/she is not given the freedom to feel as he or she might be inclinded to.
ReplyDeleteIron John is a terrific book. That's right. Children model behavior, whether healthy or shame-filled from their parents. It tells us that we always have to do our inner work.
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